Red Bull? Get ready for Orange KittenSep 20, 2017 By Steven R. Peck, Publisher
We've all heard of, and many of us have tried, the high-energy beverage in the skinny can called Red Bull.
But I'm here to tell you about another new energy product to rival it.
Mine is a cat household, and we've housed, fostered, rescued and placed about 40 cats over the past 30 years. But it's been a while since we had a male kitten. We have one now. Boy, do we have one.
This little carrot-colored kitty doesn't "have" energy. He exudes, oozes and emits it. He conducts and transmits it. He charges the surrounding environment with it. He is a generator, a power plant with paws.
I'm working on a way to capture this energy, bottle it and sell it.
Red Bull? Meet Orange Kitten.
A can of Red Bull contains 80 mg of caffeine, the same as a typical cup of coffee. But each delicious, nutritious can of Orange Kitten would need 10,000 mg of "catfeine," the newly identified and carefully manufactured quality of energy unique to the formula (patent pending).
Each delicious and energizing can of OK would bestow the following superpowers: bouncing off walls, climbing skills, blind bravery, ravenous curiosity, climbing skills, fantastic physical flexibility, laser-like quickness, climbing skills, shredding skills, climbing skills, chasing skills, climbing skills, clawing skills, purring skills, climbing skills, burrowing skills and and added dash of climbing skills.
Moments after quaffing the contents of the can, consumers will be able to:
• Leap from the floor to a table top six times body height, but not without repeated, apparenlty harmless, failures resulting in loud, bumpy landings on the floor;
• Spot tiny insects 20 times above body height, resulting in repeated leaps and crashes into the wall, nowhere near the location of the bug;
• Render a perfectly good Kleenex into a ball of lint in five seconds or less;
• Unspool a full roll of toilet paper down to the tube in a similar time span, hissing all the while;
• Gallop at top speed from one end of the house to the other, repeatedly and in rapid succession, sometimes chasing another cat and sometimes chased by one, but often with no pursuit of any kind involved;
• Leap and hang, using four sets of sharp claws, on varied pieces of household infrastructure, including but not limited to: leather chairs, wooden chairs, plastic chairs, porcelain plumbing chairs, curtains, door screens, bed linens, tablecloths, bathrobes (both occupied and un), and column-writer's pant legs (definitely occupied);
• Utilize superhuman, feline-quality hearing capable of identifying, while sound asleep, the muffled sound of a carton of cottage cheese being opened -- followed by a house-length gallop toward the sound (see above);
• Demonstrate the inexhaustible capacity to bite, claw, wrestle, climb upon, pounce upon, sleep upon and otherwise torment the older, infinitely patient male cat in the house (who, nonetheless, occasionally must sit on you to calm you down);
• Squeeze through narrow openings to cupboards, closets, storage boxes, bed covers, sofa cushions, shoes and other garments, as well as laundry baskets, piles, chutes and drawers;
• Summit tall, delicate, unbalanced, wobbly and normally inaccessible places far above the floor, usually without due consideration of how to get down again;
• Discharge loud, howling, continuous meowing when in need of assistance (see above items on tall, wobbly places and cottage cheese).
Plus, each can of Orange Kitten comes with a box of Band-Aids and a tube of Neosporin antibiotic ointment to treat the countless scratches to hands, arms, feet, shins, necks, scalps and earlobes inflicted by the product's namesake.
Be warned: The energizing affects of Orange Kitten wear off suddenly and without advance notice. Be prepared to find yourself sprinting at top speed down the hallway at your home, school or work place one moment, then stretched out and unconscious the next moment -- and to remain that way for the next several hours. (You will prefer cuddling when in this state but can get by without it.)
Never before in the history of our cat-friendly household have we encountered a package quite like our new OK. The older, calmer cats are equal parts aghast, amused and offended by him. "We were never like that," they suggest.
I'm trying my best to capture and market those certain somethings he possesses. If I fail, it might well be because I was able to synthesize his jet-fuel characteristics without being able, in the same container, to enclose the other quality he delivers, day in and day out: pure delight.
Now, where did I put those Band-Aids?